I am going to steal something today

I have decided. I am going to steal something today.

Something small, of not much value, so that nobody suspects me, and no one notices.

Shall I steal the magazine lying in the seat pocket in front of me? Maybe the safety instruction sheet – that’s something no one would think about!

Maybe I shall pinch five rupees from the cabbie on the way home.

But I shall definitely steal something today.

And then something again tomorrow, and then the day after.

I have resolved that I shall start stealing something every day from now onwards.

If someone starts noticing and creating a scene, I shall share a part of my spoils with that person, or find another person to share my spoils with, who will silence the first one and protect me.

Starting with small things, I shall – over the next few years – grow towards stealing bigger and bigger things, till after about 10 years; when I can commit large daylight robberies without any fear.

Because by then, I would have enough people supporting me in what I am doing. Either they would legalise my robberies, or someone would file a PIL, which would render me immune from prosecution for the rest of my life.

Because isn’t that what happens in Mumbai?

At least, I have grown up seeing this.

People steal a little bit of the footpath at night; and nobody notices. Then they steal a little more during the day; and even the people who notice, do not pay attention. Then they steal a little bit of water from the underground pipes, a little bit of electricity from the overhead wires, and start paying people to protect and support them.

After some years, when they have brazenly stolen enough, rich bored ex-actresses come and support them, and ensure that their daylight robbery is condoned. Then our brilliant politicians join the gang, and start mooting legislations to legalise their robbery.

And by the time all this is over, the people who started this have lived their entire life immune from any prosecution. Not only that, many of them have even been rewarded handsomely for stealing in the above manner.

For those who want to see how it is done, go and see under the new Byculla to Lalbaug flyover, where you will see the beginnings of this process, and then see the SRA projects, which are the culmination and rewards.

So therefore, I am going to steal something today.

I’ve joined the League

After nearly 15 years of having a mobile phone, finally I have joined the League of people whose mobile phone has been stolen!

It happened in Kolkata last Monday, and I admire the person’s guts. He stole it from right under my nose – the phone was kept by my side, along with my tie and glasses. And within less than a minute, the phone was switched off.

I immediately went to the nearest Vodafone Store and got a replacement SIM card. The executive assured me that it would be activated within 4 hours. We then went to the Nokia Store to block the phone using the IMEI number.

And here’s a lesson, folks. The IMEI number blocking is a sham!

The store owner himself said that it would be worthless blocking the phone, because the thief would walk up to the grey market and erase the IMEI number, making the phone usable all over again!

I said a prayer, got a temporary old handset, and life continued.

At night, I checked the phone. The SIM was not activated yet.

In the morning, I checked it again. Nope, no activation yet. I was with a colleague, so that made matters easy. At about 10, another colleague called up, saying that he tried calling me up, and the thief had picked up the call. He was using my number.

And that led us on a wild goose chase for about 45 minutes. We called the thief, who said that he would return the phone, but kept giving wayward directions, before I finally gave up and decided to go to the police. My worry was not so much about the phone, but about the possible numbers the thief may have called. Nowadays, you never can be sure...

We stopped over again at the Vodafone Store, where the same executive was about as helpful as a clerk in a Government Office. He had sent the e-mail to Mumbai, and that was the best he could do, etc.

So unlike Vodafone Mumbai!

After finishing my client meetings, at around lunch time, I called up Pallavi, our Vodafone Relationship Manager in Mumbai. In less than one hour, the old SIM was inactivated and my new SIM was on. Thanks, Pallavi!

We then went to Shakespeare Sarani Police Station, who said that while the place where the theft took place, though closer to their station, was in another jurisdiction. Upon hearing that I was a visitor to their city, they went out of their way to be helpful, coming along with me to the crime scene, and then escorting me to the Beniapukur Police Station, under whose jurisdiction the theft took place, in their vehicle. The Sub-Inspector at this Police Station was even more helpful, as well as extremely apologetic about a visitor having to face this problem in his city. He helped us in writing the proper report, and got it logged in very quickly.

Thank you, Mr. Vaibhav Shroff of Shakespeare Sarani Police Station and Mr. Nazrul Islam of Beniapukur Police Station!

Anyway, now I am still using the temporary old handset. Still undecided on which handset to buy!