Exchange of Words - Bloopers

Today, a colleague, while showing me something on facebook, said that it is a "very allergic website". It took me a while, and some more statements from him, to realize that he meant that it is very addictive.

I am sure all of us have inadvertently committed such bloopers where we use one wrong word, changing the meaning of the sentence completely.

I remember in school, when we had just learnt the meaning of the word 'vocabulary'. After that, a classmate always asked the teacher, "What is the vocabulary of..." whenever she meant to say, "What is the meaning of..."

There are also times when we say innocuous statements that just don't sound right. Like the time when I had asked my HR team to source a female management trainee, and getting no response after a fortnight, reminded them thus, "Any progress on the search for a girl for me?"

There are also instances where people who are not conversant with English try to translate their thoughts verbatim, leading to amazing howlers. My father likes telling us about his Hindi teacher who used to tell his students not to make noise "in front of my back" and asked three students to leave the class thus, "Both of you three get out".

The most hilarious one was used regularly by an ex-colleague who nearly always started speaking with the sentence, "My telling is that..." (remember that the next time you say, "Mera kehna hai ki...")

There is one 'exchange of word' blooper of mine which still brings a wry smile to my face. I was in school, in Std. 9, learning bigger words, proper grammar (Thanks - Messrs Wren & Martin) along with the other interesting things that people at that age learn. Our (beautiful) Social Sciences teacher asked the class why do we have to clean foodgrain after we buy it (remember - those were the days of the PDS). Being the bright kid that I was, I immediately raised my hand and replied, "Because the ration shop owners commit adultery".

The stunned silence of the teacher as well as the entire class left me non-plussed.

After a while (either after she figured out what I meant or after recovering her poise - I don't know which), the teacher said, "Very Good Mubin. Class, as he said, the ration shop owners adulterate the foodgrains with heavy and non-edible substances, which we have to remove by cleaning before cooking."

It was only after what seemed like a full minute of giggles from the girls and laughter from the lads following this explanation that the actual meaning of what I had said dawned on me!

So, any bloopers you can think of?

I am going to steal something today

I have decided. I am going to steal something today.

Something small, of not much value, so that nobody suspects me, and no one notices.

Shall I steal the magazine lying in the seat pocket in front of me? Maybe the safety instruction sheet – that’s something no one would think about!

Maybe I shall pinch five rupees from the cabbie on the way home.

But I shall definitely steal something today.

And then something again tomorrow, and then the day after.

I have resolved that I shall start stealing something every day from now onwards.

If someone starts noticing and creating a scene, I shall share a part of my spoils with that person, or find another person to share my spoils with, who will silence the first one and protect me.

Starting with small things, I shall – over the next few years – grow towards stealing bigger and bigger things, till after about 10 years; when I can commit large daylight robberies without any fear.

Because by then, I would have enough people supporting me in what I am doing. Either they would legalise my robberies, or someone would file a PIL, which would render me immune from prosecution for the rest of my life.

Because isn’t that what happens in Mumbai?

At least, I have grown up seeing this.

People steal a little bit of the footpath at night; and nobody notices. Then they steal a little more during the day; and even the people who notice, do not pay attention. Then they steal a little bit of water from the underground pipes, a little bit of electricity from the overhead wires, and start paying people to protect and support them.

After some years, when they have brazenly stolen enough, rich bored ex-actresses come and support them, and ensure that their daylight robbery is condoned. Then our brilliant politicians join the gang, and start mooting legislations to legalise their robbery.

And by the time all this is over, the people who started this have lived their entire life immune from any prosecution. Not only that, many of them have even been rewarded handsomely for stealing in the above manner.

For those who want to see how it is done, go and see under the new Byculla to Lalbaug flyover, where you will see the beginnings of this process, and then see the SRA projects, which are the culmination and rewards.

So therefore, I am going to steal something today.