Exchange of Words - Bloopers

Today, a colleague, while showing me something on facebook, said that it is a "very allergic website". It took me a while, and some more statements from him, to realize that he meant that it is very addictive.

I am sure all of us have inadvertently committed such bloopers where we use one wrong word, changing the meaning of the sentence completely.

I remember in school, when we had just learnt the meaning of the word 'vocabulary'. After that, a classmate always asked the teacher, "What is the vocabulary of..." whenever she meant to say, "What is the meaning of..."

There are also times when we say innocuous statements that just don't sound right. Like the time when I had asked my HR team to source a female management trainee, and getting no response after a fortnight, reminded them thus, "Any progress on the search for a girl for me?"

There are also instances where people who are not conversant with English try to translate their thoughts verbatim, leading to amazing howlers. My father likes telling us about his Hindi teacher who used to tell his students not to make noise "in front of my back" and asked three students to leave the class thus, "Both of you three get out".

The most hilarious one was used regularly by an ex-colleague who nearly always started speaking with the sentence, "My telling is that..." (remember that the next time you say, "Mera kehna hai ki...")

There is one 'exchange of word' blooper of mine which still brings a wry smile to my face. I was in school, in Std. 9, learning bigger words, proper grammar (Thanks - Messrs Wren & Martin) along with the other interesting things that people at that age learn. Our (beautiful) Social Sciences teacher asked the class why do we have to clean foodgrain after we buy it (remember - those were the days of the PDS). Being the bright kid that I was, I immediately raised my hand and replied, "Because the ration shop owners commit adultery".

The stunned silence of the teacher as well as the entire class left me non-plussed.

After a while (either after she figured out what I meant or after recovering her poise - I don't know which), the teacher said, "Very Good Mubin. Class, as he said, the ration shop owners adulterate the foodgrains with heavy and non-edible substances, which we have to remove by cleaning before cooking."

It was only after what seemed like a full minute of giggles from the girls and laughter from the lads following this explanation that the actual meaning of what I had said dawned on me!

So, any bloopers you can think of?

I am going to steal something today

I have decided. I am going to steal something today.

Something small, of not much value, so that nobody suspects me, and no one notices.

Shall I steal the magazine lying in the seat pocket in front of me? Maybe the safety instruction sheet – that’s something no one would think about!

Maybe I shall pinch five rupees from the cabbie on the way home.

But I shall definitely steal something today.

And then something again tomorrow, and then the day after.

I have resolved that I shall start stealing something every day from now onwards.

If someone starts noticing and creating a scene, I shall share a part of my spoils with that person, or find another person to share my spoils with, who will silence the first one and protect me.

Starting with small things, I shall – over the next few years – grow towards stealing bigger and bigger things, till after about 10 years; when I can commit large daylight robberies without any fear.

Because by then, I would have enough people supporting me in what I am doing. Either they would legalise my robberies, or someone would file a PIL, which would render me immune from prosecution for the rest of my life.

Because isn’t that what happens in Mumbai?

At least, I have grown up seeing this.

People steal a little bit of the footpath at night; and nobody notices. Then they steal a little more during the day; and even the people who notice, do not pay attention. Then they steal a little bit of water from the underground pipes, a little bit of electricity from the overhead wires, and start paying people to protect and support them.

After some years, when they have brazenly stolen enough, rich bored ex-actresses come and support them, and ensure that their daylight robbery is condoned. Then our brilliant politicians join the gang, and start mooting legislations to legalise their robbery.

And by the time all this is over, the people who started this have lived their entire life immune from any prosecution. Not only that, many of them have even been rewarded handsomely for stealing in the above manner.

For those who want to see how it is done, go and see under the new Byculla to Lalbaug flyover, where you will see the beginnings of this process, and then see the SRA projects, which are the culmination and rewards.

So therefore, I am going to steal something today.

Random Musings

Just some thoughts that I've been reflecting on...

In the olden days, saints were known for having virtually no material possessions. Nowadays, 'godmen' have possibly more wealth than anyone else.

In the olden days, people of a certain profession had red lights above their houses. Nowadays, people of a certain profession have red lights above their cars.

What takes lesser time when a man is in a hurry to escape a police raid at 1:30 a.m.? To wrap a lungi and put on a cloth on his shoulder; or to wear a woman's Salwar Kameez?

What was a man doing in a woman's Salwar Kameez at 1:30 in the morning?

A month ago, we complained about the heat and the sweat. Now, we're complaining about the rains and getting wet. Why do we always crib?

Physiotherapy - when a beautiful girl holds your hand - and it hurts!

Will Chetan Bhagat's next book have the number 4 in its title?

Finally, will the bank that promises that they not only give home loans but also 'help you find a home', refund the processing charges they took from me by saying that my loan has been approved, and then not giving it?

People like him make me believe (Dreams!)

Was watching snatches of a singing reality show on TV last night, and saw an amazing display of raw talent.

The participant was a 31 year old auto rickshaw driver who had migrated to Delhi from Kanpur in search of livelihood.

He had absolutely no training in music. Everything he learnt was by listening to songs. But he decided to come for the auditions - accompanied by his wife and little daughter - to 'fulfil his dream'.

For his audition, he selected one of the more difficult songs of Kishore Kumar. And he sang with such unbridled passion and such amazing command that there did not seem to be a single person who was unmoved.

One of the judges - a fantastic trained singer and one of India's most versatile singers himself - had this to say about the performance, "If I was a 31 year old who drove a rickshaw daily to earn a living, who had absolutely no training in music and was singing on stage for the first time in my life in front of eminent judges, I would not have been able to sing even half as well as you have done!"

But the real reason that compels me to write about this person is not his singing. Rather, it is his dream that moved me to tears!

On a stage where people stand up and proclaim their ambition of being the next Lata, Asha, Rafi, Kishore...the biggest thing in the Indian Music Industry; this man shared his simple dream.

Due to poverty, his wife could not complete her studies and achieve her aim of being a teacher. And all he dreamt about - and was working towards - was to enable her achieve her goal!

Even his participation in this reality show was a step only to achieving that dream!

What does one say to that???

Here was this person who comes from a state infamous for its male chauvinism, which ranks towards the bottom on virtually every development parameter, which has gained notoreity for its crimes against women, for female infanticide, female foeticide, which has one of the worst gender ratios in the country, and all he is dreaming of - and working towards, even to the extent of migrating out of that state to another city - is to help achieve his wife's aim of studying and being a teacher!

Hats off to you, young man!

It is people like you who make me believe, despite all our problems, in the potential of our country.

It is people like you because of whom I can proudly say, "I am an Indian!"

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

How apt these lyrics are. Seems like John Lennon was addressing me when he sang them.

Here I was, making plans to repair our house, working on the plans to achieve the next year's targets for myself and my team at office, dreaming and planning for the holiday with the family...

And then there was the accident.

All the plans went out of the window. Everything had to be re-organised, re-scheduled, re-oriented, re-prioritised.

Does it sound like deja vu?

It sure does to me.

I had moved to Jeddah with plans of working there for about 12-15 years, and retiring by 50. And less than 4 years later, I was back. Mom was ill and her need for us took priority over work and retirement plans.

Lest I sound like life always deals a cruel blow, let's make it clear - NO.

My plans of working in media planning changed when I got a good option in a media house, changing my career choice completely. The job offer from Jeddah came out of the blue, helping me clear off all my EMIs and get some savings to boot.

Doesn't it happen to all of us?

Just introspect. Have we become exactly what we had planned when we were in college? Are we doing exactly what we had planned just 5 years ago? Heck, what has happened to our New Year resolutions and plans just 5 months later?

It applies to organisations too. I remember reading an article by a leading businessman, in which he had said that it had never happened that his company worked exactly according to the plans made at the beginning of the year.

'The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men, Gang aft agley' (Robert Burns)

But does that mean that we should not plan? After all, life could deal a different hand the next instant.

Quite the contrary.

Life will always take some sudden twists and turns; we may not achieve everything that we start off planning to achieve, but it is these plans that we make - and the work that we do to achieve them - that will take us from our present state to the next, possibly better, state in life. It is what we plan that make us the person that we are.

Look at all the successful people around us. In their introspective moments, they will all confess that everything never went according to plan, but it is their plans, their dreams and their hard work that has made them so successful.

One could write so much more, and it would all revolve around the same. But instead of boring you will all of that, let me ask you to share your thoughts in your comments.

As for me, I can tell you one thing. Most of my plans may have come to naught, but working towards them has helped me achieve a huge amount of satisfaction as an individual, if nothing else.

Time to Slow Down?

I have been noticing during my daily visits to the physiotherapist that a number of people who come in for treatment are quite young. And they are not coming for accident-related physiotherapy, but seeking treatment for stress-related ailments!

I mentioned this to my physiotherapists, Dr. Hardik Patel and Dr. Swati, they shared certain information with me, which makes me really concerned! The numbers below may not be specific to all hospitals / physiotherapy centres across Mumbai, but I believe they surely could be a pointer to a larger syndrome.

More than 70% of the patients who come in for physiotherapy are not accident-related at all. And 5 out of these 7 patients are below the age of 50, with a large majority being in their late 20s and early 30s.

In fact, the youngest patient I saw was a girl of about 23, and I am told that she is not an exception!

All of these young people are coming in seeking help for ailments related to stress.

Apart from the usual suspects – IT and Software Industry; quite a significant number of patients are from Finance, especially Insurance Sales, and other salespeople across industries.

Most IT and Software Industry Professionals face issues with relation to the physical stress; the usual suspects - repetitive stress injuries, carpal tunnel syndrome, slip disc, vertigo (BPPV) etc. Salespeople are also seen suffering from Overuse Syndrome, where the shoulder and neck muscles are affected due to their habit of carrying their laptop around throughout the day.

But to my mind, the big worry is in the increasing number of cases that are related to mental stress.

Mental Stress for 20 and 30 year olds?

Yes! And it is getting manifested in stiffness of muscles; pain in the neck, shoulder, head and back etc.

And there is increasing agreement among doctors on the fact that these issues are all related to the mental stress and anxiety brought about by targets and deadlines!

We have all heard phrases like, “The reward for good work is more work”, “It’s a rat race out there” etc.

The intense competitive environment, as well as the unreasonable pressure put on today’s youth by themselves and their organisations to prove their relevance virtually daily, is resulting in their youth being spent between the office and the doctor’s clinic. One is also seeing an increasing trend among youth to take shortcuts (jugaad, as a research aptly termed it). This is a pointer to the effect the environment is having on their minds too. And the long-term effects will really only be known about 20 years from now.

The Pharaohs of Egypt were known to drive their slaves to death.

Are we becoming the Pharaohs of today?

Is it time we stopped and pondered about the ill-effects of high – maybe unreasonable – targets and deadlines on today’s youth?

Is it time to slow down? Before the problem becomes unmanageable?

Taxi Drivers (again!)

A lovely Sunday morning, a steaming cup of tea after a nice long bath, and my wrist now allowing me to type enough to put down my thoughts - even if slowly and with breaks. What a feeling!


My first post after my accident, and suddenly the rush of thoughts I had on the many things I wanted to write about seems to have rushed away. :-)

Gathering these scattered thoughts of the past couple of months is an exhilarating exercise in itself. So many thoughts, such feelings, experiences, people met etc. that one wants to write about.

I resumed office on April 5. And due to the fact that I still have the problem in the knee and muscles, I have been using taxis and autos to travel to office and back. And what an interesting mix of taxi drivers I have met!

Nearly every taxi driver who has taken me to office and back had to ask me the same set of questions, “Accident? Kaise Hua (How did it happen?)”. And then the standard “Chalo kam mein tal gaya. Aur ho sakta tha (Good it was only this much. It could have been worse)”.

It is interesting how we tend to look at the positive of life. I mean, here I have a broken wrist, broken toe, missing toenails and a crushed kneecap. And it could have been worse! Someone is in hospital with a serious ailment where he would take months to recover. And it could have been worse!

But then, it is this positive outlook that takes us through the ups and downs of life!

Anyway, as usual, I digress.

After the standard questions – which I have now learnt to answer in about 9.37 seconds – the drivers launch into sharing their own experiences for the rest of the journey. And that has my hair standing on end.

Virtually every driver has a horrific accident story – if not his, then of some other driver closely known to him. And these stories are around broken ankles, shin bones, femur etc. It is as if nearly half of Mumbai’s taxi drivers are driving around with some injury or the other. One driver even took advantage of a traffic signal to show me the scars on his stomach and right leg, and believe me, it was as if he had come out of a war zone!

It frightens me to be sitting there in the front seat of a half battered car with a driver who should be eligible for a disability pension, and yet, driving away with the zest of a Sebastian Vettel!

And for all those Mumbaikars who have the experience of flagging down an auto or a cab, only to find the driver refusing your fare, I must share that I am not in that league any longer. Just the sight of my crutch and splint are enough for them to open the door without even asking the destination. I’ve had only a couple of drivers refusing, for genuine reasons, and they were so apologetic, I had to pinch myself. One driver ferried me from Wadala to Lower Parel, and only when we reached my office did he mention that he had to go to Sion – exactly in the opposite direction!

A few drivers have even got out, helped me out of the cab, and carried my crutch and bag for me right upto the office lift.

Made me change my opinion about whether these drivers had feelings!

But there is one thing on which my opinion has not changed. Irrespective of the nature of the passenger, and the lovely stories he has shared with him, some drivers have to cheat on the fare.

What else explains the 25% variation in the fares that I pay for the same distance?