Travel Light with the King of Good Times

I have always travelled light. And lately, being what airlines euphemistically term a ‘frequent flyer’, I have made it even lighter. I have a trusted Samsonite made to cabin baggage specifications which I dump my clothes and papers in, stretch the laptop bag across its handle and I am ready to go. Saves me a lot of time after alighting.

In the past few months, I have travelled on every single airline available in India, and have never been asked to check in my bag, except for three times. And I realise that it is the same airline – Kingfisher – every time.

The tone is the same – polite, turning politely threatening. “Sir, it is my advice to you Sir. It is better for you Sir”, “Sir, I shall put a priority tag Sir”, “Sir, you will have to keep it in front of your seat, and you will be uncomfortable Sir”, “Sir, I am trying to help you Sir, the cabin crew will keep it in the hold while you are boarding Sir”.

Once, when I agreed because they put a priority tag, my bag was almost the last to come out!

What I found most interesting was that all the three times, they gave me different reasons for wanting to check in my bag.

The first time, the person said that the flight was full, and there may be no space in the luggage bin.

The second time, she said that the flight was small and my bag would not fit!

But I think the reason I got just now takes the cake!

I am told that the flight is completely full and the bag would be too heavy, and the cabin crew might offload it!

Huh!!!

Too heavy for me to carry, but okay to put it in the hold?

I am awaiting boarding, as I write this, and eager to know how they will accommodate this ‘heavy’ bag.

Happy Teacher’s Day

It’s Teachers Day tomorrow, and I’d like to take this opportunity to wish all teachers a Very Happy Teacher’s Day.

A lot of teachers have influenced me, and shaped the way I am today. Right from my school teachers to my Professors – Prof. Sudhakar, Prof. Dabholkar, Prof. Dharkar, Prof. Shetty, Prof. Borde, Miss Irani and so many others – my heartfelt gratitude and thanks to each and every one of you!

I’d also like to pay tribute to all of you by writing about three very special teachers, who I probably will never forget till the day I pass on.

First - Mrs. Agnihotri: My Marathi teacher in Rosary High School. Marathi is a subject most students – especially those studying in English convent schools – love to hate! But it was Mrs. Agnihotri who made me love this language.

She was in her 50s when she first taught us the language. Short, possibly just four feet nothing, with a back that was bent with age, she could reach only up to the bottom one-fourth of the black-board (which was later replaced by a green one). Maybe I am dreaming, but there were times when the chalk dust would fall on her glasses and she had to stop writing to clean them.

She insisted on speaking to us only in Marathi, and God help those who could not respond to her with proper grammar and pronunciation. Interestingly, I realized that it was the students having Marathi as their mother tongue who used to be at the receiving end most of the time.

Strange, but isn’t it true? The people who are worst at the grammar of any language are the people who profess it to be their mother tongue. I reckon that is because they tend to pick up the language as it is spoken ‘on the streets’ rather than in its pure form.

Anyway, I digress, as usual!

Mrs. Agnihotri introduced me to P. L. Deshpande, to spoken Marathi. She is the reason I get compliments for a good command over the language.

Thank You, Agnihotri bai!

Second – Mrs. Suzie Chacko: Possibly the best teacher a student can get! She taught us science in school. We used to fondly call her ‘Amma’ (mother). And a mother she was to us. It is nearly 3 decades since I saw her last (she had apparently left the school a few years after I passed out, to join her husband in Dubai, so I was told) but I still can see her vividly whenever I close my eyes and think about her. Dark, plump, speaking with the typical Malayalee accent, it was her eyes that first caught your attention. The eyes would smile when she was happy with us, and breathe fire when we were at fault.

I also know that a lot of students hated her. And they had a reason for that. They hated re-writing. You see, Amma had a unique style of teaching. In the 35 minute science class, she would spend the 6^th to the 30^th minute explaining the concepts of physics, chemistry and biology to us. And God help anyone trying to do anything except pay full attention to her. Asking questions, debating a point, arguing over a concept – all was allowed, even encouraged. But sharpening pencils, taking notes, doing something else invited a rap on the knuckles and kneeling at the door of the class.

The 31^st to the 35^th minute was for dictating notes very fast, which the students had to write down using their pencils.

That leaves us with the 1^st to 5^th minute. Ahh, now that was the fun!

The notes that she dictated in the previous class had to be re-written using the ink pen, with all the proper drawings etc. as homework. The handwriting and the drawings had to be perfect. These would be checked in the first five minutes of the next class. And any student who did not complete this homework had raps on the knuckles and had to attend the class kneeling at the door for the entire duration.

Not only did Amma instil a love of chemistry in me (which was later fanned by Profs. Dabholkar, Dalal, Shetty, Borde, Miss Irani et al in college) that lasts till today, she is also one of the people primarily responsible for my good handwriting.

Thank You, Amma!

I have lost touch with both Agnihotri bai and Suzie Miss. And I am not sure whether Agnihotri bai is still alive or not. But if either of you are reading this post somewhere, I would like to let you know that you are still in my heart and in my prayers.

Third – Mrs. Khan: She started off as a teacher in a municipal school and was a Headmistress when she retired. She has been an influence behind a lot of youth in areas like Nagpada, Madanpura and Dharavi growing to be decent, educated and well-respected people.

She was my first teacher. She taught me the alphabets – both English and Arabic. She taught me how to speak, how to behave. She instilled a sense of responsibility in me. She taught me to differentiate between right and wrong, to control my emotions. She taught me disciple and chivalry. She taught me Islam, and to respect others for their beliefs.

She is the reason for me being the man I am.

Whatever I am today, is because of her.

She is now in her 70s, and I still meet her everyday.

She is my mother!

Happy Teacher’s Day, Ammi. I love you!

Random thoughts - Anna Hazare and the Lokpal Bill

Back to my blog after a gap of a fortnight.

Extremely interesting developments have taken place in the country in these two weeks, which I kept noting down as statements or pointers. Just putting them down here, as noted.

I was born two decades after Independence, and hence could not see Gandhiji. But seeing how people have rallied around Anna, I can imagine what must have happened in 1930 and 1942.

I have seen the angry young man taking on the system in Hindi films so many times; and over the past few days, seeing a hungry old man doing the same in real life. The hungry old man is so much more powerful!

Anna supporters now need to guard against letting emotions taking over rationale. We do not need a Chauri Chaura. (This was penned down somewhere around the sixth day of the fast).

The last time a Maratha had taken on the forces of Delhi was at the 3rd battle of Panipat (1761).

Loved the story my cousin sent about Vikram and Vetaal - A merchant had entrusted his wealth to an old man for safekeeping, and the old man’s son squandered all of it. When the merchant returned and took the old man and his son to the king, the king punished the son, but the merchant demanded that the old man also be punished. As usual, Vetaal asked Vikram for his comments. Vikram’s reply was, “Though the old man is innocent of the actual theft, he is guilty of dereliction of duty. The son’s crime was a straightforward one, the old man’s was a graver crime. He did nothing to protect the merchant’s wealth. Far from being vigilant, he failed to take action even when he was warned of his son’s misdeeds. Because of the old man’s laxity, the trusting merchant is now condemned to a life of penury. So, he should be punished!”. Apply that to our PM?

I guess being a good Finance Minister does not qualify you to be a good Prime Minister. Of course, I am not aware on the selection judgement criteria!

How support has been trivialised! Armchair support - like armchair friendship – is meaningless. Merely creating a facebook page or clicking on 'like' does not mean support. For that, you have to go out and take action.

Has everyone who 'supported' Anna pledged not to bribe anyone ever, no matter what the circumstances?

After winning this battle under Anna, let us not forget Irom Sharmila! After all, 11 years IS a long time!

Yeh Mera India

India’s 65th Independence Day, and I was reminiscing about the various parts of India that I have seen.

Let me share my observations (nothing more – just observations) on traffic in two areas of this unique and varied country of ours.

Area 1: Chandigarh
The first thing that struck me about this city was the clean, wide roads and the lack of traffic on them. It took me a while to realize that there was actually a significant amount of traffic – be it cars, motorcycles, scootys, autorickshaws or even bicycles. Trucks were conspicuous by their absence.

The impression of lack of traffic was mainly because of the impeccable traffic sense of the people. No one crossed the white line at the signal, lane discipline was immaculate, overtaking was from the right side. In short, proper traffic discipline. Possibly the presence of CCTV cameras at virtually every signal contributed to this.

Also, apart from certain areas, it was rare to find dirt and muck on the streets.

That is one India.

Area 2: UP
I had the opportunity of travelling across the state; from Allahabad, to Lucknow, Kanpur, Rae Bareli and Aligarh. And the first thing that struck me – or nearly struck me – was the motorcyclist coming at full speed from a lane and trying to overtake from the wrong side of the road. A few seconds, and he could have been killed, or worse!

Across the state, the observation was the same. Daredevilry at its best, rash driving at its worst, no regards for road discipline or traffic sense. Signals are working, but being made a mockery of. And the traffic police was conspicuous by its absence.

Everyone seems to be completely ignorant of the traffic rules. Signals are rarely given at turnings, and even when given, are ignored by the guy behind. Turning right from the 3rd lane is as common as Vettel standing on the podium this year.

Speaking of Vettel, I do not think even he can open the door of his car, bend down and spit gutkha, at the same time driving straight at 50-60 kms/hour, as virtually every driver I saw could do with ease!

And that smell, that all-pervasive smell! Why would it not be? I was in Lucknow, near Charbagh, one morning. A BMW 5-Series was ahead of me. We had just taken the left turn on Kanpur Road, going towards Dr. Ram Manohar Lohia National Law University when the BMW stopped. No signals, mind you – except that its brake lights worked well. It just stopped. A gentleman emerged from the rear door, walked on the footpath, and proceeded to do his job right there while the driver was waiting for sahab to return.

For God’s sake, the public convenience was less than 100 metres away, in plain sight!

But this is not an isolated instance. Marking one’s territory this way - the way tigers do – is something common, I soon realized.

That is another India.

And we know where most of the drivers in Mumbai come from!

Jai Hind!

Ramadaan

As salaam, As salaam, Ya Shahar-e-Ramadaan.

On Tuesday, the month of Ramadaan started. The 9th month of the Hijri or Islamic calendar, it is the holiest month of the year.

Everyone knows it as the month in which Muslims fast from sunrise to sunset. Mumbaikars also know it as the month when everyone goes to Mohammed Ali Road for amazing delicacies all through the night.

Taking a little time off today, I thought I’d write about what fasting really signifies, and what this month means to me personally.

Ramadaan is not about just staying hungry and thirsty all day long. Rather, the fasting is a means to achieve ‘Taqwaa’, or piety. It is a way to build self-restraint in us, and to make ourselved more disciplined in our lives. Fasting is prescribed as a means of worship in virtually every religion across the world.

O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint (Qur’an 2:183; Translation by Yusuf Ali)

A person who is fasting is expected to also fulfill all other conditions of Islam, namely the five prayers, recitation of the Qur’an, giving ‘Zakah’(charity) etc. Also, what is very important is that the person uses this period for introspection, and checks his own behavior and actions. As a Muslim, he should avoid speaking or acting upon anything which is not allowed in Islam. Fasting of a person is irrelevant if his actions are not those of a good Muslim.

Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Whoever does not give up forged speech and evil actions, Allah is not in need of his leaving his food and drink (i.e. Allah will not accept his fasting.)" (Bukhari 3:31, Hadith 127)

Of all the acts of worship prescribed for a Muslim, fasting is the most loved prayer of all. Because all other prayers can be seen except fasting. Whether one is praying Salah (namaz), reciting the holy Qur’an or giving charity, all these acts are visible to others, and there could be an element of showing off (human nature!) But a person can always claim to be fasting, yet quietly eat or drink in private, and no one but he and Allah will know it. On the other hand, a person could fast all day long for the pleasure of Allah, and if he carries on his normal work throughout the day, again, no one but he and Allah will know.

Narrated Abu Huraira :
The Prophet (PBUH) said, “(Allah said), ‘Every good deed of Adam's son is for him except fasting; it is for Me. and I shall reward (the fasting person) for it.’” (Bukhari 7:72, Hadith 811)

One could go on about the virtues and merits of fasting and prayers in Ramadaan, where the reward of every good deed is multiplied at least 70 times. And the reward for fasting – only Allah knows!

As for me personally, this is the one month that I miss Jeddah the most. Both from a personal and a religious perspective!

The distance to Makkah made it so easy for us to perform Umrah in this holy month. And the revised office timings meant that I could reach home every day to break the fast with my family, and then go for the night prayers – certain things that tend to be a distant dream with the travel timings in Mumbai!

May Allah give us all the benefit of spending at least one Ramadaan at His House. Aameen!

Exchange of Words - Bloopers

Today, a colleague, while showing me something on facebook, said that it is a "very allergic website". It took me a while, and some more statements from him, to realize that he meant that it is very addictive.

I am sure all of us have inadvertently committed such bloopers where we use one wrong word, changing the meaning of the sentence completely.

I remember in school, when we had just learnt the meaning of the word 'vocabulary'. After that, a classmate always asked the teacher, "What is the vocabulary of..." whenever she meant to say, "What is the meaning of..."

There are also times when we say innocuous statements that just don't sound right. Like the time when I had asked my HR team to source a female management trainee, and getting no response after a fortnight, reminded them thus, "Any progress on the search for a girl for me?"

There are also instances where people who are not conversant with English try to translate their thoughts verbatim, leading to amazing howlers. My father likes telling us about his Hindi teacher who used to tell his students not to make noise "in front of my back" and asked three students to leave the class thus, "Both of you three get out".

The most hilarious one was used regularly by an ex-colleague who nearly always started speaking with the sentence, "My telling is that..." (remember that the next time you say, "Mera kehna hai ki...")

There is one 'exchange of word' blooper of mine which still brings a wry smile to my face. I was in school, in Std. 9, learning bigger words, proper grammar (Thanks - Messrs Wren & Martin) along with the other interesting things that people at that age learn. Our (beautiful) Social Sciences teacher asked the class why do we have to clean foodgrain after we buy it (remember - those were the days of the PDS). Being the bright kid that I was, I immediately raised my hand and replied, "Because the ration shop owners commit adultery".

The stunned silence of the teacher as well as the entire class left me non-plussed.

After a while (either after she figured out what I meant or after recovering her poise - I don't know which), the teacher said, "Very Good Mubin. Class, as he said, the ration shop owners adulterate the foodgrains with heavy and non-edible substances, which we have to remove by cleaning before cooking."

It was only after what seemed like a full minute of giggles from the girls and laughter from the lads following this explanation that the actual meaning of what I had said dawned on me!

So, any bloopers you can think of?

I am going to steal something today

I have decided. I am going to steal something today.

Something small, of not much value, so that nobody suspects me, and no one notices.

Shall I steal the magazine lying in the seat pocket in front of me? Maybe the safety instruction sheet – that’s something no one would think about!

Maybe I shall pinch five rupees from the cabbie on the way home.

But I shall definitely steal something today.

And then something again tomorrow, and then the day after.

I have resolved that I shall start stealing something every day from now onwards.

If someone starts noticing and creating a scene, I shall share a part of my spoils with that person, or find another person to share my spoils with, who will silence the first one and protect me.

Starting with small things, I shall – over the next few years – grow towards stealing bigger and bigger things, till after about 10 years; when I can commit large daylight robberies without any fear.

Because by then, I would have enough people supporting me in what I am doing. Either they would legalise my robberies, or someone would file a PIL, which would render me immune from prosecution for the rest of my life.

Because isn’t that what happens in Mumbai?

At least, I have grown up seeing this.

People steal a little bit of the footpath at night; and nobody notices. Then they steal a little more during the day; and even the people who notice, do not pay attention. Then they steal a little bit of water from the underground pipes, a little bit of electricity from the overhead wires, and start paying people to protect and support them.

After some years, when they have brazenly stolen enough, rich bored ex-actresses come and support them, and ensure that their daylight robbery is condoned. Then our brilliant politicians join the gang, and start mooting legislations to legalise their robbery.

And by the time all this is over, the people who started this have lived their entire life immune from any prosecution. Not only that, many of them have even been rewarded handsomely for stealing in the above manner.

For those who want to see how it is done, go and see under the new Byculla to Lalbaug flyover, where you will see the beginnings of this process, and then see the SRA projects, which are the culmination and rewards.

So therefore, I am going to steal something today.